Notes on life, philosophy, and medicine

Dear future self, maybe it's been 10 years and I'm looking back on a life that has taken on challenges beyond my wildest dreams and slayed them. I could look back and say I took to every moment with gusto and shared the biggest laughs and the tenderest moments. I get to smile and stare into my son's eyes and know I did my very best for him to carry on with the same zest for living out his best life. We could get to look back and say, in between clinks of wine glasses, that we put our best foot forward in all the moments that counted but also in those that did not if there is such a moment because of carpe diem and hurrah. Cheers friends to a life well lived.  Today, this weekend, we did a thing - my ex-husband and I - took a 2.5-hour turned 3.2-hour car ride with our son and back the same path because we missed the exit again to our summer family vacation spot Cannon Beach - we walked the shores, we shared a room, not a bed, we enjoyed lunch and James gets to grow up with h...

Out of deep heartache can come immense treasures - love boundless - until it hurts. My parents met in high school. They fell in love. They argued as young people without a full sense of self and awareness of others do.  My father had an affair. There was turmoil. My mom fell for someone else.  My youngest two brothers were born.  Out of heartache, treasures. I will take a lifetime of blows to love and know love as truly as it can be known.  Spending time now with my mom.  My dad sends his regards and reassurances through little dragon flies.  I don’t know where I am going, what’s next, but I hope to look back and say I gave it my entire heart. 

I wonder why saying these things out loud feels so difficult. Ask me what I do for work, and I hesitate—why? Is it humility or a quiet fear of not being good enough? And as a woman? Gosh, even that label feels distant at times. I love my childish ways, my wonder—so what does it really mean to be a woman? Have I lacked the role models to fully claim it, or is it something else? Then, there is God. Maybe it's the deep knowing that I am not enough—but isn't that exactly where God works? And so, with great hope, I say that I believe. But do I still have doubts? Can my character, my actions, my fruits truly reflect that I am a daughter of Christ? Do I fear the world’s response to standing in my faith? The threads of my heart and mind are loosely connected, but they are there. Some days, I find the confidence to say these things. To believe, to trust, to pray that I can be as competent as I hope to be. This is me—outside the Blue Lagoon in Iceland, wearing my Adventure in Family M...

My blog has been about recognizing my personal search and exploration of life. I've been on this current journey for the last 5 weeks. It's the longest one I've ever taken that did not involve school. In it, I have tried to live and experience life as it is not for a foreign traveler but for the authentic local experience. Choosing apartment rentals over hotel stays, striking conversations often and when appropriate, eating out, walking, & using the metro system.  Surely, it's an imperfect art, this shape-shifting and experiencing another's life outside your own. Through it all, I had my own life to contend with, a child to try to impart moral and life wisdom to, a family who had their own intentions, or not, for the trip, and my own goals to "just be" and find the love and laughter in family. We discovered tears and heartache in the midst, perhaps from my perspective a naivete, but mostly from the underpinnings of most conflict, a misunderstanding of ...

Preserving the slight breeze and stickiness of the napoli air for just a moment; the sense of my only child just one level above playing video games with his cousin, my sister and nieces in different rooms in this updated dated italian old tri level home with a courtyard overlooking "old man" piazza  just for a moment longer  knowing this will slip right by  the dissipation of non-materialized worry early on  the victories in seeing and being in another part of the world  experiencing same same but different  and no matter where you go, there you are  we will be "back" soon  but back to where?  home?  routine?  will it be different?  will the daydream of this trip  the moments of sameness but different  somehow make its way into "back" or rather than back, can returning be into the future?  and how do I want that future to look, to feel?  no I suppose there's no going back  and then no fretting about re...

I laid in bed today, trying to find the grooves of my body through tampered dull dragging pain emanating from my rattled brain, startled from a nightmarish vision I cannot now recall. Were these glimpses of trauma? persistence of fear? or a weight of sadness I could not yet shake. I had only one option, to acknowledge it and to feel its presence.  In the back of my thumping brain, I could see the sparkle of new life, of mistakes as opportunities. The challenges of settling my mind was like tracking down a ninja, stillness could not be found but I could see the questions and there, I settled, knowing in time, questions will find their answers or vice versa. No amount of toiling here in this moment, would suffice...only in time.  Tincture of time and ease of space, perhaps more than anything, the acknowledgment that Christ is and ever shall be MY HOPE.  I wonder where I have erred and if I could fix what I had broken? reminder to do only what clearly lies ahead, so what pra...

40 : I’ll take you with the good and the bad…because today brought an insight far deeper…that Someone has it all in His control and the sadness I feel cannot give way to hopelessness, nor complacency but not hair pulling fear or worry because He has it all in his hands. And I am good with that.  Bring it on - I don’t have it; I don’t need to have it.  You’ve got it and You have always had me.  Sweet restful dreams my random few readers and me :)

The last few weeks of my 30s, I landed on This is Us on Netflix with one of my very favorites Mandy Moore...it came out years ago but I started it and in good old binge fashion have traveled in time with this television family through their last years of their 30s. Maybe another sign that im right where im supposed to be. I think that may be the call of this coming decade of knowing and being right where im supposed to be - settled by the waves of knowing and not knowing in quick succession. Accepting with grace that there is no getting it 100 % of the time. It's day 1 of my birthday month and either it's the cherry Pepsi _- I prefer coke- I said yes to - or the fact that some days I wish I could slow time to cherish the space in between, the air shared, the moments one keeps that connects us through space and time. James is at his friend's tonight. I watched probably 5 episodes of this is us. And...well I dont know if there's anything more ....just that this thread of ...

I say this universe has a way of speaking to us, to me, that universe is orchestrated by God. In periods of questioning and turmoil, if we are open to the signs then at the very least we know this is time and place we are supposed to be in, rest in peace.  Ask me what am I really ready to let go of, I thought it was one thing but my heart was too sad and broken for that; I am resting better knowing it’s actually something else - an unfinished past that I needed to mourn. Why were my cards today flipped upside down -intensity/fighting -because neither are bad when done right but for so long they were being misfired, done poorly… so we can do it better. We know how to have that crucial conversation now; let’s have it.  To that universe that speaks to me thank you for bringing me here to this corner of Oakland, to the people who pick you up; who listen with intention, who heal just by being calm themselves. Who guide by having been guided themselves. I woke up today after an extr...

This was the moment I thought I'd been waiting for...the moment where life crystalizes and becomes clear but this year, I must have jinxed it: Put all the weight on it from the moment I opened my eyes this morning.  If I spend too long, I suppose I could cry for what has passed this season...what remains, and the uncertainty that is beyond.  But rather, and probably like always, better to focus on the light, that tonight, shines doubly bright against the glass windows.   So that's it, if I failed this last year, I'll double my efforts to stay present in 2024. In reading bedtime stories until James falls asleep, or in my surroundings while driving :), present with the people and places I encounter by chance and most certainly by intention and choice.  God, may my heart seek you above all else, to be truly good without asking or wanting anything in return but to hear your quiet voice when decisions need to be swift so that I may guard my heart. 

Our young country  At times taken and probably lesser known shared among those before us  - The indigenous people of this land - We rose to be a great nation.  Envy of many.  A field of dreams.  We had a system and a structure that supported dreams  for some.  Not just then -but in and along with the cycle of man - human nature in its unintentional ways -  saw it fit to reach for more, power grab, greed and subjugation.  By nature of change Hindsight 20/20 unintentional consequences  we failed to teach our children how to live  reading, writing, arithmetic...fine but without the hows of living there is little use we will end up fighting one another again  implode.  so we build up systems to catch our fallen  rather than deconstruct  the errors of our ways highlight growth  admit fault  we turn a blind eye  or perhaps we have not yet seen  the full consequences of our choices.  It is not t...

There's a tendency for people in positions of power to concentrate power, which leads to increasing levels of bureaucracy. It's natural and something I've spoken about in the past from personal experience. The challenge is without careful monitoring, it seems to get us farther away from actually providing the help that is needed.  And that is my response to this idea of a physician or health care provider shortage. Yes, expert care and specialty care has its place. We have medicines and procedures now that save lives, but I do not believe we actually have a significant shortage of primary care providers; I believe we have unknowingly continuously and gradually taken away the power of individuals and communities to heal and serve one another well through this concentration of power.  We have also provided major corporations with an uncanny ability to expand unhealthy practices - fast food, personal motor vehicles, less green space, suburban homes, the list goes on.  So, we...

Today and maybe 10 -14 decades of life - that's what we have -  What are the terms we need to live by?  What has happened over the last few generations has resulted in our ability to not live life as the precious adventure that it is?  Two/Single parent working households?  No connection to nature/earth. Lack of understanding of where and how food comes from and our role in it.  No idea how to operate in a different economy, e.g gift economy.  There's a lot we can't change, right now, but we have to make some decisions about how we proceed in life and to figure out what we need to do to align our life with the values we believe in.  What does that look like for you? 

Trong bối cảnh ngành y tế tiếp tục phát triển, một mô hình đang thu hút sự chú ý là Chăm sóc Trực tiếp từ Bác sĩ Gia đình (DPC). DPC cung cấp một phương pháp tiếp cận thay thế cho việc chăm sóc y tế truyền thống dựa trên việc trả phí dịch vụ, tập trung vào chăm sóc cá nhân hóa, dễ tiếp cận và hiệu quả về chi phí. Mô hình tập trung vào bệnh nhân này đang được chú ý vì khả năng cải thiện mối quan hệ bác sĩ-bệnh nhân, nâng cao chất lượng chăm sóc và tăng cường sự hài lòng chung của bệnh nhân. Cơ bản về Chăm sóc Trực tiếp từ Bác sĩ Gia đình Chăm sóc Trực tiếp từ Bác sĩ Gia đình là mô hình chăm sóc y tế hoạt động trên cơ sở hệ thống thành viên. Bệnh nhân trả một khoản phí hàng tháng hoặc hàng năm cho bác sĩ gia đình mà họ lựa chọn, giúp họ tiếp cận không hạn chế các dịch vụ y tế. Khác với mô hình trả phí dịch vụ truyền thống, DPC loại bỏ nhu cầu gửi yêu cầu bồi thường bảo hiểm và thanh toán đồng trả cho các cuộc thăm khám thường xuyên. Mối quan hệ trực tiếp giữa bệnh nhân và bác sĩ gia đình...

You know what happens when you "work" less, stay at home more, yes aside from the incredible ability to find the perfect novel and the perfect bingeworthy television show, it means you can pull your child away from the screen-sitter aka television especially if it is youtube (thank goodness we banned it except for "educational/instructional videos"  You get to be there for a neighbor when their cat needs sitting, or another neighbor when they need their packages picked up and house watered or to pick up their child on an odd scheduling day. It might mean you get to take care of your ailing parent.  It is not the responsibility of the government to find ways to pay for all of this, it may be the responsibility of the government to set the vision and help make it so that living is affordable enough SO WE CAN do what we need to do for our families and our communities...and robbing peter to pay paul might not be the answer. Just a thought. 

  Summer of 2011  A year after my dad passed away, I went in search of the me that belonged to my dad or for more parts of my dad that I never learned about. I went to Can Tho, Vietnam. I traveled on streets I imagined my dad had been on as a child; I asked to see him from life beyond. And there, the dragonflies descended and something inside of me said that this was for me. This was his way of telling me he wasn't very far away. So I carry his spirit on, through Pay What You Can Primary Care. From coping with the winds of change, to the steadiness of its presence, this dragon fly is a tribute to all who came before me and now works through me to offer healing. 

A bit tongue in cheek but I think 🤔 there is a genuine truth in this…Did the problem with our society start when we decided that some people don’t have to clean their own toilet bowl? We should all be able to that or at least know how. 

How does one find peace and joy in the midst of suffering or trouble?  Does the recognition and acceptance of trouble and suffering as a part of life allow it to be embraced?  In happy times and in sad/distraught times, still we can exert JOY?  These dichotomous ideas  Neither good nor bad  But it must be rooted in our ancestors, rooted in our connectedness and loving embrace of something bigger than ourselves, something that loves us infinitely and is stable without fail.  It must be acknowledged that it exists presently.  The sun that we breathe in and is a part of us as much as we a part of it, the water that flows through us not for our own selfish sake but for the sake of this greater being that is in us and moves through us. The ground beneath us that is solid.  This is our reckoning. This is what we must recognize...to hold within our hearts both the suffering and the joy.  We must trust that we can lay it down on solid ground and embr...

What does health look like? And how do we "get" healthy?  I became an osteopathic physician because I believe fundamentally in a body that was created with an inordinate amount of built-in healing mechanisms.  It is my job to help it along, to guide it when it has moved too far in one direction.  But it's not only my job, because healthy to me, looks like an entire community working together to enjoy, and to build on this life we were given.  And I believe we have spent the last couple of generations moving farther and farther away from our ability to do this for ourselves and for each other.  So, what do we do now?  Focus on food: how do we make it, where does it come from, how do we get it, how do we grow it? how do we cook it? where are all the herbs? FOOD IS MEDICINE.  Focus on community - the people involved from the farmer to the miller to the baker.  Focus on earth and all her many gifts.