Notes on life, philosophy, and medicine

I wonder if going through this moment, I've learned anything since the last - because right now it feels like the hard press of a finger on a scab ready to tear away at all the layers of healing that has been done - already a small piece was ripped out leaving a slight ooze of blood and dead tissue. Though I'll be darn if I let it. If I could take away anything from this past weekend, it would be to lean into the chaos; and staring at my wilted potted plant, to not forget to water it daily through this beautiful, warm summer heat. I hope to stop and wonder in moments of chaos; I hope to live and love fully present through it all. I'll keep praying for signs of wonder, to know in my heart and in my thoughts, that God's presence is near and I can lean into the peace that He offers in our broken but beautiful humanity. 

I wonder why saying these things out loud feels so difficult. Ask me what I do for work, and I hesitate—why? Is it humility or a quiet fear of not being good enough? And as a woman? Gosh, even that label feels distant at times. I love my childish ways, my wonder—so what does it really mean to be a woman? Have I lacked the role models to fully claim it, or is it something else? Then, there is God. Maybe it's the deep knowing that I am not enough—but isn't that exactly where God works? And so, with great hope, I say that I believe. But do I still have doubts? Can my character, my actions, my fruits truly reflect that I am a daughter of Christ? Do I fear the world’s response to standing in my faith? The threads of my heart and mind are loosely connected, but they are there. Some days, I find the confidence to say these things. To believe, to trust, to pray that I can be as competent as I hope to be. This is me—outside the Blue Lagoon in Iceland, wearing my Adventure in Family M...

My mind is in a state of constant dull numbness, I can’t tell if I’m supposed to be asleep or awake; but I can’t seem to do either. There’s a rolling list of things to do and I’m not quite sure how or in what order to do them without losing the state of present mindfulness. Trying to work out the details of what happened in Viet Nam and how to clarify the questions I had hoped to answer about health and well-being and of being a service to others while understanding the roots of my past and present future…